I knew my sister needed the house to be quiet so she could sleep as much as possible, so I planned ahead and brought snacks with me in the car so we could go out and kill time at the store and park until the older kids got out of school. I realized I needed more substantial shoes for this colder weather and decided to go to Target to look at boots (because this is where a budget-conscious mother goes for such things to take advantage of a 20% off sale). We ate our snacks in the car, sharing, making sure everyone's tummy's were filled, and even forgoing my own need for nutrition because it makes me sad to see little hands still open in anticipation of the last of the snacks.
I got the SUV of shopping carts. When you have 3 little ones with you, it's important that they all have a seat. There was some minor fighting over who got to sit where, but in the end, I sorted it out so that everyone was presently content. I've become somewhat of a pro at extinguishing heated debates between the kids over the years. Finally, in to the store! Of course we stopped to look at the dollar aisle trinkets. Occasionally, I'll be mom-of-the-year and let them pick out one thing. However, since we are between homes and have ZERO room for storage of fluff and stuff, I told them we wouldn't be getting anything today. A little protesting ensued, but once we were out of sight, it was out of mind (again, another trick I've learned over the years).
We looked briefly at a few sweaters on clearance, then on to the boots. I tried on a pair. The girls got excited for the fashion show. In the end, I decided I didn't need the boots. My sneakers would work fine for the next several weeks. I didn't need to spend the money. We are trying to buy a house, after all! I put the boots back in the box instead of leaving them on the floor like a few others had obviously done (because I am a responsible shopper).
I pushed the cart out toward the main walkway, but not before Katie spied some beautiful flower shoes. Lucky girl, they were just her size and on super clearance! Only $3.58!! What a deal this was, so I considered getting them for her. Just as I set them in the cart, she and Nora starting fighting again over seating arrangements. I warned them both to stop. It did not. So I sat Nora down for a time out. A good parent knows you can and should give your child a time-out anywhere. She calmed down enough to get back in the cart after some explanation of the inappropriateness of her behavior. Sorry was said, and into the cart she went. At this point, Katie decided it was not enough and she started the seating problem all over again. I warned her that if she did not stop, she would not be getting shoes today. She didn't stop and even sassed me. I picked up the shoes, put them back on the shelf, and pushed the cart away. You can imagine that Katie was really mad about this. So she started crying loudly. As I pushed the cart into the main walkway, I was explaining that I had warned her, and now I could not get the shoes because of her poor choice (You bet I take the time to teach my kids about poor choices and good choices. I do this because I want them to be responsible, contributing citizens in society someday.).
A lovely woman in her 40s walked by us, saw Katie crying loudly, and said with a pathetic face, "Poor baby." This is the last time the woman was lovely. With a smile, I said, "No poor babies here. She was throwing a tantrum." Then, I continued on toward the back of the store so I would be out of the way to give Katie a time-out and a minute to cool down. I set her down. I told her that her behavior was inappropriate and that she had one minute to cool off. She pouted and sat for one minute. At the end of the minute, she had calmed down enough that we spoke--on her level because I've read that talking down to your kids is less effective. I said, "Your behavior was inappropriate. What will you do next time instead? You owe me an apology. Etc." This is also a method I've learned from reading research about children and their behavior. I do this because I'm a special education teacher and I like to stay informed about best practices.
I lifted Katie back in to the cart with a final warning to both her and Nora that if they behaved poorly one more time, I would leave the store completely. We got around the corner, looked at a few more items, and it happened again. Nora became unglued about some tiny thing. I realized at this point that she was too tired to be shopping and that it was just time to go. I told them that we would be going now and I would come back later without them. I was impressed at my ability to keep my cool during this whole ordeal because normally when the kids get like this over and over, I get frustrated. And when I get frustrated, I break down and cry. No tears today, though. I was making good progress.
I pushed my cart to the exit with Nora screaming about nothing, Katie whining about leaving, and baby Lucy just staring at the whole scene (she was the best behaved!). I unbuckled the kids from the cart and set them on the ground just inside the store. Of course Nora flopped on the floor to continue her tantrum. I turned to put the cart back (again, I am a responsible shopper), and came face to face with the "lovely" woman in her 40s. She put her hand on the cart and said, "I got it." I smiled quickly and said thank you. Then I turned to pick up the baby and Nora. Many of you know it's nearly impossible to pick up a tantruming toddler. So, she flung herself back on the floor. This whole time, I'm explaining to them that I had warned them that we would leave if they continued to act poorly.
As the woman passed by with her cart that had one small item, she said to my back (because I was hunched over trying to get Nora off the ground), "I think you should take parenting classes." I stopped dead in my tracks. Did she really just say that? I whirled around with a completely bewildered look on my face. Lucy was in one arm. With the other arm, I put my hand to my chest and said, "Excuse me? You think I need parenting classes?" She stared back, got a smug look on her face, then turned away to walk outside. I couldn't believe it! In that flash of a second, I called out to her because I absolutely could not let her go without calling her out on her misjudgement. I used stronger words than I normally use when I responded, "Who do you think you are to say I need parenting classes? You don't know anything about me or my kids!" I was still incredulous. It was still so unreal to me. She again gave the smug look, shrugged her shoulders, and then added referring to my response, "THAT'S why your kids are the way they are," and walked away. At this point, I snatched up Nora, who was still screaming. Lucy was hanging under my other arm. Katie was following behind. I looked a hot mess at this point, but I didn't care. This woman had gone too far. I used words I NEVER use in front of my kids, and yet they still weren't strong enough for this woman. I yelled at her, "Who the hell do you think you are to judge me?!" Then I stammered a little, and said, "Do you know what? I don't have to explain myself to you. You are not worth it." And I started to walk away, then she started to say something back. I swirled around and stopped her, "No! I can't believe you. Screw you! Screw you!" Smug look from her, and we parted ways. I got the kids in the car and was just shaking all over. I started to cry--my frustration showing through. Then I spotted her getting into her car, and I had to say one final thing to let her know how I really felt. I called out to her, "I still can't believe you. When you go home today and think to yourself, 'Have I done any good in the world today?' You'll have to tell yourself, 'No, but at least I was smug to a mother who could have used a little help.'" Then I got in my car, Nora was still screaming, and I shook.
I got back to my sister's house, got the kids out of the car, and put Nora down in bed. She was asleep within a minute. I knew it. She had just been over-tired. I turned on a cartoon for Katie, and got a warm bottle of milk for the baby. Then, I sat on the couch and cried. As if it's not enough that I feel inadequate nearly every day despite my constant efforts at improving myself, this woman had to cut me down in a moment where I was celebrating my small triumph at keeping my cool with the kids in the store. I don't know what her situation is. I don't care. She was wrong to say such a thing. She'll probably go home and tell everyone about this terrible mother with her unruly children at the store. She'll feel smugly sorry for me and live another day to pass judgement on someone else. But, when I was done crying, I genuinely felt sorry for her. She has no idea that remarks and opinions like hers are ignorant and lacking compassion. She was easily a decade or two older than me, but I KNOW that I have far more understanding of humankind than she does. Poor woman.
